Sour Keys

Single, 2019.

  • Social suicide,
  • Tell me all your white lies.
  • Good time alibi,
  • Tell me how you get by.
  • Find a way to let it go.
  • Do you miss the things you didn't know?
  • Shiny class president,
  • Haven't been where you've been.
  • Same do, same crew,
  • Tell me what you've been through.
  • Find a way to let it go.
  • Do you miss the things you didn't know?
  • I want to be bored.
  • Don't want to keep score.
  • I want to buy some sour keys,
  • And eat ‘em ‘til my mouth is sore.
  • Don't want to want more,
  • Just want to love more, just want to be bored.
  • I want to feel you.
  • I want to feel new.
  • Crawl up right beside me,
  • Tell me, “no one really as a clue…”
  • “…how to see the view.”
  • So we photograph the view.
  • I don't call my mom enough.
  • I don't wash my sheets enough.
  • I don't follow through enough,
  • Always asking for too much.
  • I've found a way to let it go,
  • But I miss the things I didn't know.
  • I want to be bored.
  • Don't want to keep score.
  • I want to buy some sour keys,
  • And eat ‘em ‘til my mouth is sore.
  • Don't want to want more,
  • Just want to love more, just want to be bored.
  • I want to feel you.
  • I want to feel new.
  • Crawl up right beside me,
  • Tell me, “no one really as a clue…”
  • “…how to see the view.”
  • So we photograph the view.
  • I want to feel safe.
  • I want to stop the race!
  • I want to sleep ‘til noon, wake up,
  • And feel like I got moving to soon.
  • I want to stop the race.
  • I want to stop the race, I want to stop the race.
  • I want to be bored.
  • Don't want to keep score.
  • I want to buy some sour keys,
  • And eat ‘em ‘til my mouth is sore.
  • [Not verified.]
Entry 188.
  • Sour Keys is about the feeling you get when your grocery bags are digging into your wrists and you’re still two blocks from home and you realize you forgot to buy peanut butter. You’re too tired to make dinner so you order in then get mad at yourself for wasting money after buying groceries, but sit down anyway and watch a bad Netflix comedy special while you wait. You look down at your frayed laptop charger and think about how you’re probably gonna have to buy a new one soon, but those things are like 100 dollars for no fair reason and that’s too annoying to deal with this week. “Maybe I should read a book, one time, instead of streaming shows compulsively as to not speed up this cord death,” you think to yourself, but quickly dismiss the thought, open social media, see all your friends on vacation and think, “How does literally everyone have a travel budget except for me?” THEN you remember you spend all your money on your art and that comforts you for a sec, until you also remember that you left clothes in the dryer. Then your cat starts puking for no reason, you hear the delivery person knock on the wrong door, you rush to meet them, and as they walk away, you second guess your tipping math, ruminating over that until the moment you spill a tiny packet of soy sauce on your shirt and think, “Fuck can I just go on a vacation to 2008???”
  • Thank you to everyone who streamed, saved and shared this song about wishing to go back. You all make being here, at the bottom of 2019 so much better!
Credits.

Written and performed by Brianna Clarke.

  • Herag Sanbalian, producer.
  • [Not verified.]
Entry 152.
  • My good moods always feel transient. They can last, (more or less unaltered), for up to a week. My lipstick stays unsmudged and my clothes fit exactly as memory promised. I follow through on social commitments, remember all my meetings/appointments, and I whack-a-mole my way through to-do lists confidently, despite their objectively snarky endlessness. I notice the lightless of my heart, and I wonder how long I have. Often, I judge myself for the lack of clarity I (begrudgingly) associate with happiness.
  • Then at some point, I miss a bus or I have a bad meal and my heart switches gears. I leave my bed underslept and greet the world feeling like “myself” again: tired, cynical, infuriated by my lack of productivity, all the while faithlessly praying for a miracle. It never feels transient. This state feels like my homecoming. But why is the self I like less the one I assume I am more?
  • Neither self is more myself, everything passes and all moods are transient. It’s completely illogical assign a value of authenticity to any mood, based on its level of interpreted familiarity. I had a bad week, but I am not my week. Big fuck you to the part of my brain that thinks I am. Hope you’re having a better week, but if you’re not, don’t worry, we’ll all get better 2gether.
Entry 11.
  • On good days, I go to bed grateful that my cat is sleeping on my stomach, grateful that my partner is beside me, and that pushing him on his side is all it takes to successfully stop the snoring. But most nights, I can’t sleep. The cat gets too hot and the snoring won’t stop. I count the ways I failed that day and think of the ways I’ll fail tomorrow. I think about the money I shouldn’t have spent, the emails I didn’t answer, the people I disappointed. I hope, one day, sleep starts to come easier. I hope I lie in bed counting the ways I succeeded. Counting the ways I’ll succeed. And maybe most of all, I hope for a life blessed with unwaveringly powerful AC, so my cat can be on my stomach then too.
Entry 4.
  • “I don’t deserve to be depressed,” is a frequent thought of mine. I count up all the things I know I’m lucky to have, as if I’m picking things up off the floor of my consciousness. As soon as my arms feel full, I exhale. I drop everything I just picked up and it falls back down to the floor. I tell myself anything I can so easily drop must not matter. And I guess therein lies the problem. Happiness isn’t a sum of goodnesses, and depression isn’t a lack thereof. Happiness just believes that the goodnesses matter, while depression feels certain they don’t. Today, I feel certain they don’t.